Identity

Today I visited a dear friend in the ICU, a true man of God whom I have the most respect for. It was a very strange feeling, to be in a hospital I am so familiar with and where I have worked, but taking a different role, a role as a friend visiting a loved one. Everything felt the same, until this time I approached the bedside to see someone who I cared about lying there. We prayed, and I cried. I don’t think I have ever cried at the bedside before. I walked away, wiping my tears away with my hands, thinking about how peculiar I was feeling – how it was very relieving and refreshing to be able to be honest to my own feelings inside and cry. So many times I have seen sad stories, pronounced deaths, sat with grieving families, watched people code before my eyes, yet I would not flinch, and would continue to go about my medical business.

Why is it that in our world today that we have troubles living integral lives? – meaning we struggle to not only recognize our feelings, but be able to respond genuinely to them. Why do we feel guilty or inappropriate or limited and restricted in how we live, how we feel, and how we act? How have we become such an inhibited population in which we are taught how we are expected to respond, expected to talk, expected to act? And what makes us conform? In some ways, I think we struggle so much with our identities – who we are, what we are called to do, how we are to recognize our gifts, talents, and abilities – because we limit ourselves in what we can feel. It’s almost as if we disallow ourselves to feel certain ways, then how do we truly journey on the path of identifying who we really are, even in Christ?

My pastor reminded me of some very important things the other day when I shared with him how I was pondering about life, my identity in Christ…everything. He reminded me that it isn’t who we are that is important, but whose we are, and how we choose to respond. For me, the Christian journey seems lonely at times. You have the moments when there seems to be companionship running the race with you, but before you know it, loneliness returns. And I think that part of that feeling is because we don’t really know ourselves, neither do those around us, even our loved ones. The only one who does know us is the one who created us. And part of being faithful is to fully trust that the one who does know our identity loves us and would only want and give what was best in his time. The complexity of this thought baffles me, it’s like actuary people and their imaginary numbers where math becomes numberless. Our world becomes incomprehensible, because God is God and will always be, in part, a mystery.

"From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ. So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it."
- Colossians 3:11-14

“To be known is to be loved, and to be loved is to be known.”